We have dreams!! Day 44
Aug 21, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfjzhGgzlKE

so of course today's Monday so today is
another day of counseling which are my
favorites y'all know so I don't know
what's all in store today I know I have
the counseling and then um I'm not
really quite sure what all I asked oli
if there was really anything for us to
do today and he was like well I don't
know I just don't make plans at
nighttime I'm like man I swear No so I
don't know exactly what we have planned
but this is one of the white this is the
white fabric that I bought yesterday so
I'm hoping that this looks good and
doesn't look absolutely ridiculous I've
had a couple compliments on it so I'm
hoping those are good compliments but um
anyways so yeah I don't know exactly
what we're gonna do today so far it's
like only well it doesn't have the
temperature I think it was like sixty
sixty-five like it's like really nice
right now but you know we're only in the
morning time so not gonna knock that one
yet um but I'll check in with you guys
probably after counseling I might do a
little check-in if not then I will check
in in a little bit after that and let
you guys know what the plan is for today
so hopefully you guys are all having a
wonderful morning and I will check in
here soon okay
so we're sitting here in the car waiting
for only to come back out he is actually
shampooing the carpet really quick
because one of my chickens decided to
drop chocolate ice cream on the carpets
and my lovely oldest one decided to
leave it there while I was gone so yeah
we are going to shampoo the carpet
really quick so I figured I would just
bring the kids in the car
and let him do that so that the kids
aren't trampling around on it and then
what what well these can be thirsty yes
you don't want them to be thirsty around
you anyways so I figured I'd just bring
him in the car
that way he can do his little shampooing
juice and then we're gonna go and get s
for a princess drink because for some
reason we had a Spider Man one which he
has but for some reason I guess we
didn't have another one for her so we
told her that we would go and get her
one of those and then I think we're just
gonna go drive around and kill time
until the carpets are dry cuz I
definitely don't want the kids walking
on shampoo carpet so anywho and then I
didn't check in about counseling because
my phone holder was not working it like
took off on me and across the windshield
and you know stop stop use your words
hey kids anyways uh hmm so I didn't
check in after counseling but it was a
really good session and I'll talk more
about it tonight during closing just so
that way I can actually talk to you guys
and you guys can hear me because the
kids in the background are not very nice
but it was a really good session I will
say that a lot to think about and a lot
to do and work on who I'm dark or light
still really cloudy
I don't smell smoke so I don't think
it's smoke I think it's just I think
it's over costume so anyways well I hope
you guys are having a wonderful Monday's
start to your Monday anyways and I will
check in here in just a little bit
another thing I was gonna also ask you
guys so when I do my artificial Mills
and I paint them and said
I have no problems with nil chipping
nothing when it comes to nail polish
since we've been putting nail polish on
my original or just nails look at him
this was I just painted these two days
ago and I'm doing everything I'm
supposed to I'm putting our base coat I
do the the color I put a top coat and
they just keep pulling and I mean just
chipping off like no other so I was just
gonna ask you guys what do you guys do
with your nails for like your original
nails because like I said artificial
nails I can get nail polish I can get
gel to stay everything I have no
problems but for some reason I don't
know why but no polish won't stick to my
rail or nails if you guys have any
tricks we have made it through the day
and I can honestly say we made it pretty
well for the most part I wasn't sure
exactly like what all we had planned to
do today but we ended up having to run
to Winco which is a local grocery store
here in Salem and then from there we had
to go to Costco and grab a couple things
but I ended up seeing in a car both
times because it was just like I didn't
feel like dealing with the crowds today
and it just seemed like everybody was
out today so I was just like no we're
staying in the car so all he just did
the run in run out mode and got what
needed to be done and it was really
really really bad today in the air like
really bad so that was another reason I
didn't want to get in and out of the car
in fact I'm filling it a little bit
tonight in my lungs so I've already done
my inhaler twice and I'm just hoping
everything kind of comes down otherwise
well hopefully I won't have to take a
trip to the hospital because some
as I have to have the machine mm so we
will see how that all works out but
other than that um we came home and I
just cleaned up a little bit and when
did some stuff around here in the room
and um where's odds and ends of just
little things that have needed to be
done that just you know I haven't had a
chance to do so I just sat on the bed
and laid it all out and got it done
which is a good feeling I like being
able to get my stuff done that needs to
get done so that way then I feel more
comfortable
I like accomplish that I've reached
something today excuse me my back and
still bothering me a little bit still
from the bed I did take another IV
program today which I've been really
trying not to take much medicine but
sometimes I think you have to just to
help with like relaxing those muscles
back there and there it's still a little
bit tight up in the upper area it wasn't
so bad that I couldn't do anything so I
definitely did a few things and we got
the carpet mopped we got the carpet
shampooed which was nice so we came home
to a dry clean carpet so that was a
great feeling that was an accomplishment
that I wanted to get done I wanted to do
it before winter hits usually that's
what we do is we do it twice a year once
before winter hits once once before
summer hits we just shampoo carpets and
I don't do the bedroom carpets we
probably should do Jeremiah's carpet
sure it probably needs it but we don't
do the other bedrooms because they don't
need them but uh excuse the kids
airplane but I definitely wanted to get
the living room done like that was my
number one and then I think tomorrow
give or take
either tomorrow or Wednesday I'm
thinking I'll probably have Ollie
shampoo Jeremiah's carpet and get that
room situated and ready and a little
organized and clean right before school
starts because he starts on the 5th of
September tomorrow
is our it's called the ID and it's a
holiday for us for in the Islamic
religion mmm excuse me I just got done
eating dinner and so we have some things
we're planning to do tomorrow hopefully
I'll be able to videotape majority of it
which will be fun and take you guys
along I know we me and I think I'm gonna
take Jeremiah to Walmart and do some
gift shopping for the little ones and
let him choose a couple gifts for
himself because he's getting older and I
think it's funner for his age to like be
able to just choose what he likes you
know because at this age it's kind of
like I don't know what you want I mean I
have a grand idea I know what he wants
but I'll let him choose it because I
really don't know how to choose it but
he's wanting a remote remote control a
second one for his ps4 so I'm sure
that's probably what he's gonna choose
and then with the kids the babies we're
just gonna get each of them a little
gift and they have their new outfits
that we had bought them and then I'm not
really sure what's in store for the rest
of the day after that but it's supposed
to be pretty hot and I'm hoping that the
fire season stuffs chills out like gosh
it has been strong this year and I am
dead set ready for it to all be over so
I will keep you guys updated on that and
then Wednesday I have my nutrition
counseling so that's pretty exciting I
always enjoy going and seeing her as
well and I see I think that's that's
really it on my agenda for the week um I
don't have a whole lot planned I mean I
do but not mm-hmm not so much of stuff
outside the house as much as I have
things like I need to go and get
Jeremiah's school supplies I need to get
a couple more things for him for school
before it starts I'm gonna wait on
getting like any more clothes and the
reason why is because he pretty much has
everything he needs to start off this
summer or at the summer the school year
because the beginning of summer or the
school year it's a still summer time
like I mean it's still warm most times
you don't need anything until you're
getting like into the middle of October
here then it starts transitioning to
like where you're gonna start needing
pants and jackets and stuff like that so
at that time then that's what I told
ollie we'll go ahead and go and get his
winter clothes the babies their winter
clothes and that way then kind of all
the crowds will kind of died down by
that point and they'll have a new realm
of selection to choose from so we're not
just like trying to you know get
everything all at one time while
everybody else is picking so then
working in the bottom picks and it's
just I don't feel like dealing with that
I don't feel like dealing with the
crowds but I don't want to order this
stuff online because what Jeremiah it's
really hard cuz he's so like in between
he's in between at 12 well at 10 12 and
at 12 14 so in between those sizes some
things will be too small but then some
things will be way too big so for him
it's kind of hard to do like online
shopping cuz I really don't know unless
I try it on him the babies they're
pretty easy because Omar I want to say
for the most part Omar's gonna be
probably in a six and s row is going
into a forty so they're pretty easy but
Jeremiah is gonna be my more difficult
one to actually get and know that his
sizes are gonna fit so other than that
you don't think we have a whole lot more
to get for him other than just the
supplies is my biggest like concern
concern we have everything else like
backpacks shoes socks um wears and those
things so other than that I'm just kind
of winging it and seeing what we need
and then we'll go finish all about the
rest of this week I don't know why all
of a sudden now my throws like old
clunky for with dinner tonight mmm you
guys listen up I had my comfort food yes
I did
I had nachos and I was so excited in
fact I took a picture of it so I will
hosted here
doesn't that look scrumptious the chips
are actually baked so they're not fried
they're not bought from the store
Ollie actually homemade made my chips
and then everything else that he added
everything for that entire portion came
to 650 calories that seems like it would
be a lot but in reality for a dinner
that is not a lot and for my calories
and for how many I've only intake today
650 calories actually got me up pretty
on a safe note because I was so low
today so it was nice to have a nice
dinner and something that I enjoy
because I love nachos and that remember
a couple videos ago I told you guys we
went out and had some nachos from fast
food mmm yeah my husband makes the good
nachos and those were some amazing and
joyful nachos nachos nachos so I had
nachos and then he made himself
it's called fitna and perfecta but I
think it is I probably I'm totally
probably butchering the name and I'm
sure he's gonna probably correct me when
he sees this video anyways I'll post a
video are a picture of his as well right
here
you
his looked naughty but I was just like
hey you know I think I'm gonna withhold
from that I think I'm gonna keep over
here with my nachos that food is amazing
I used to eat it all the time
but I don't feel that that is something
that I need to eat now so I was very
satisfied with what I had for dinner but
his food his dinner it's amazing it's
got rice and like a bread that you fry
and there's a sauce that it's like a
garlic sauce that you put over the top
and and then you have the meat next to
it and it's just amazing but it's a
nobody meal for me anyways so he had his
dinner and then I had my dinner and it
was a really nice dinner and the kids
ate all pretty much all of everything
that he cooked they may ate it so that
that was a good and then counseling
today went really really really good we
talked about kind of the situation that
happened yesterday between me and my
husband and you know my counselor always
has a good way of bringing things into
perspective but also bringing it into
reality and one thing that she had
discussed with me was you know I've
never been like really put on any type
of a budget like I haven't needed to
because while doing childcare you know
you bring a good chunk of income in and
there was many months where you know I
brought in good money and during that
time I wasn't the smartest when it came
to budgeting and saving and things like
that today I should totally have a
savings account that is full if I would
have played my numbers right but I
didn't I didn't save money I blew it I
spent it on needless things
and it's nice you know to spend money
sometimes don't get me wrong but there
is also a guideline that you should
follow to a point when it's setting
budgets especially when you have things
that you want to reach in life but at
that time we didn't set our dreams we
didn't we didn't really have like we
knew what we wanted but we never set it
in like stone like this is what we want
this is what we're working for this is
how we're gonna get it we never did that
so in return I never had like okay well
I need to put myself on a budget I need
to be careful about what we're spinning
yadda yadda yadda dum did it um you know
and make it all simple like I never did
that
so for me Oh bring you guys down a
little bit so I'm feeling like I'm a
little talking to you guys and so
looking up um to me it was kind of like
a little bit of a reality check I guess
yesterday when the whole spending money
thing kind of came up I wasn't used to
that conversation he brought it to my
attention in a very good way and then
talking to my counselor today you know
she's like if you have things to do that
our dreams and you want those dreams to
become a certain reality how do you
think you're going to reach them are you
going to reach them because it's gonna
be given to you are you gonna reach
those because you've worked for them how
do you plan on I said well of course
it's because of how we work for it like
we've never had that opportunity to have
you know fall into a place where we have
money given to us or property given to
us or home given to us I mean we've
never had that and so I said obviously
it's gonna be something we have to work
towards and she said okay so if you guys
are working and putting everything other
than your living your extra budget
living money that you would normally be
spending on eating out buying clothes
Jewellery nonsense things if you really
tell you that up how much technically
would you be spinning and so I really
sat down and you know out as she was
talking I was just taking notes mentally
and so when I came home and I was
talking to Ollie about it you know we
sat down and we really was we really
were figuring everything out and
literally every month besides there was
like one or two months where we went
like way above 300 but most of the
months was about 300 we were eating out
fast food fast food 300 besides a couple
months was a little more than that and
so like he said okay take that 300 times
it by 12 because that's a year that's
how much times that by 10 years that's
how much and then you know if you spin
and if you instead of spinning money on
I don't remember exactly what the other
numbers were but by the time we were
done it was like almost $200,000 in ten
years that technically you could save by
not blowing that money from other things
two hundred thousand dollars could give
you a good lump sum to go and put down
on a property somewhere just saying you
know so as we were talking about it it
really brought me back into reality who
really brought me back to where I where
I see our family and where I want to see
our family and it made me respect Ollie
so much more for his hard efforts on
thinking ahead you know thinking for our
future not just thinking about now but
thinking for our future and it's
definitely a hard thing for me because
like I said I'm not used to that I'm not
used to saying okay well you know this
pair of scissors are great pair of
scissors they cut fabric like amazing
but you know having another pair of
scissors well these ones you know they
cut fabric but you know they don't slide
the fabric through and don't make them
really nice so I think I'm gonna go
spend ten dollars on a pair of scissors
instead of spending three dollars on a
pair of scissors that pretty much do the
same job but because I need the
so the best that's where I'm having to
really learn that it's not about that
you know it's what will work for us to
get us to where we want to be next in
life and my counselor always has the
best ways of reminding me what's what's
really worth fighting for and what's
really worth listening to and nowhere
you know nowhere was always saying well
you know because you're a Seattle mom
you have no rights to the money but what
what was I doing I was creating a story
in my mind that this is the scenario
that this was what was happening and
nowhere did he ever say that so here I
got personally offended and affected him
because of a storyline that I was
playing up in my brain when he never
even said it so I again was falling back
into that old scenario making stories in
my brain and replaying them in reality
and it was truly affecting my husband
because I was personally treating him as
if that's really how he was treating me
and it really wasn't so it was a great
eye opener for me to say hey you know
what yeah that's right I really do need
to slow down revisit the whole situation
look at the whole picture every time I
want to buy something ask myself is this
a necessity or is it a want is it a want
that I need right now or is it a want
that can be worked for and saved up for
so we can get that in a couple of months
but is it something we need right now to
take money away from our budget that
technically can be put into our savings
good way of having to stop and ask
yourself out because
it's not easy it's not easy it's
definitely one of the most hardest
things sorry I thought I'd seen
something one of the hardest things for
me to grasp but at the same time I
respect my husband and all that he's
doing to work for us that my job is to
make things easier and that is by
helping do this budget stick to the
budget and know that we are working for
our future and not working for right now
because right now is not where we want
to be right now is where we want to move
to the next step and of course that's
not gonna happen today tomorrow or even
a week from now but a lot of these rooms
we want to see happen within the next
year but that's not going to happen if
we are continuously not being smart and
doing our budget correctly and sticking
to that budget because sometimes budgets
aren't fun you know budgets sometimes
can make you feel like you're missing
out on something and maybe you are but
in the end when you have the dream that
you've always wanted at that time are
you gonna stop and be still mad about
you know having to give up whatever it
was silly that you wanted to buy at that
time when you're sitting in your most
beautiful home that you've always
dreamed of or are you gonna be like wow
I'm really glad that I stuck to that
budget and I really was very strict with
myself and kept on track and reminding
myself that this is what I want this is
what we're gonna do this is what we need
to do and we're gonna make it happen
so it was a really good session today to
say the least it was really good also we
talked about also we talked about like
for instance you know cuz I'm working so
hard on getting the house organized and
keeping it clean and doing all those
things
I have a tendency actually to watch
YouTube tutorials on house cleaning and
organizing and things like that and I
look at some of these people's homes or
majority of these homes and they're
immaculate they're beautiful they're
everything that I want in my home and
how their homes are is how I want my
home to be and when those things are
happening of course I get frustrated
aggravated I get you know my emotions
start going and I've noticed that as I'm
watching those videos sometimes
sometimes I will actually react to my
family for not having the home or
keeping the home the way that I am doing
it so I can have a home like the ones I
watch on youtube and that's not a good
sign that's not good you know I have to
remember that this is my family this is
our home
and it is clean and it is organized of
course
the garage is its own story in itself
and my husband knows that that is
something that I really want done he's
heard me voice it multiple times he will
do it when he has the time but I have to
come to a point where I say okay you
know what I can't live through these
YouTube cleaning videos to make my home
be theirs because you know as my
counselor said okay so you're talking
about your garage you want it you know
organized you want to be able to walk
out there and have everything in little
baskets and cookie cookie cutter garage
and she said but when the youtuber is
videotaping the garage do you know what
their kitchen looks like do you know
what their kid their backyard looks like
do you know what the bathrooms look like
and I'm
well no because we're fixed on the
garage and she say exactly
so who's to say that the rest of their
house is thrashed disgusting disaster
but their garage looks just immaculate
and that really kind of hit me like yeah
that's that is true so I had to step
back and be like you know what that's
true my whole house is clean the garage
is its own map its own matter my husband
will deal with it
when he has a chance to deal with it I'm
taking care of the house and it looks
amazing
that's all I can do I have to do it on
my I have to do it in my way on our
budget I can't expect to go and spend
$500 on organizing stuff to organize my
house like that's just not gonna happen
so utilize what I have and make my home
organized to the best of my ability for
what we have and so it was kind of just
a reality check for me that I cannot
expect things to happen that are not our
reality and so I you know I came home
and talked to Holly today and I you know
I apologized to him and told him how
sorry I was that you know I've been
acting that way and it's just you know
it's really hard sometimes when you have
in fixated in your brain exactly what
you want done and when it's not getting
done you take that so personal because
you're just like why can't these things
get done like what is so hard about
doing these things but I have to
understand this is my family we live
here this isn't just a studio it's not
just you know I come in and per 10 that
this is the place where we live this is
our home and there are gonna be days
where my home is not perfect but that's
okay I have children that live here I
have you know days where I am NOT able
to get up and move as much as I want to
get up then there are days that I'm full
of energy and I can just go go go go go
and get quite a
there's gonna be those days and that's
okay that's part of being accepting I
try to keep as much of this area you
know in this room this proxy where I'm
sitting this room stays clean and this
is my little domain this is my sanctuary
when I need to come away and disappear
from everybody for a little bit this is
my area once in a while my children come
in here and play with my pillows mess up
the bed but for the most part you know
what this is my area and I know that
this is my my comfort zone and you know
when I get done here videoing guess
where I'm going I'm gonna go into the
kitchen clean up dinner missus but
that's part of living in our home but
not every day are we gonna mop the floor
not every day are we gonna steam you
know steam shampoo the carpets you know
I mean that's just not reality and I
have to remind myself of that so it was
a really good session today I will say
the least of that is that it was a very
very good real-like session it brought
me back into her reality and made me
really enjoy my day to day because I
just didn't have so much high
expectations of false reality I guess
that's the best way you could put it so
anyways but yeah other than that we just
had a wonderful day though and I took a
nap today again with us for them --don't
amazing and I just took it easy I
appreciate everyone of you guys for the
encouragement words on me losing the
three pounds I was a little bit into
myself at first when I seen the three
pounds because at first I was just like
oh my god I'm only lost three pounds
you know I am eating properly I have
been moving a lot why am I not dropping
faster and then as I was reading all of
the comments from you guys it just
really it really spoke to me and really
made I guess made me feel like what I'm
doing is the right thing
and as I lose the weight it's gonna come
off in all different ways it's not just
gonna come off in pounds I can
definitely say that some of my clothes
have gotten just a little bit loose on
me and that's a great feeling I'm
fitting different cereal even better I
mean just little things do add up and I
will add that to the thoughts of I am
doing everything I'm supposed to do and
what happens throughout the week with my
body it's gonna do its own thing and
just hope for the best for when I step
on the scale and so I just wanted to
thank you guys again all of you guys are
absolutely amazing and you all know that
I I just can't thank you all enough
enough enough for the amazement that you
all are it's just everyday I am so
excited to wake up and read all of your
eyes as amazing comments and be able to
respond back to you guys it's so amazing
I love it I've gained so much strength
from you guys I've gained so many
friendships and the friendships just
continue to grow and that is an awesome
feeling and I just hope that you guys
are not getting bored by my videos I
know that I do mainly sit-down videos
and talking to you guys about like my
day and stuff and I know that these are
supposed to be vlogs and I don't know
technically I don't know what I'm
considered under I don't know if I'm
consider under a vlog I don't really
know maybe one of you guys can help me
if that's what this is I'm not really
sure I just right now I find sitting
down videos are very meaningful to me
because I can kind of discuss with you
guys my ins and outs my emotional status
of what's been going on my with my
emotional area the good points the low
points and everything in between
and then I see you know some people that
do Dave vlogs were there videotaping
throughout the day
their children playing or you know just
little things and so I don't know really
what you guys want to see from me so if
you guys can start filling me in a
little bit more with things that you
guys want to see I know you guys have
talked about some more cooking videos
and eating videos and those are great
and I do want to start doing a lot more
of that but I'm talking about like
daytime videos are you guys wanting to
see more daytime check-ins or are the
set down videos okay um fill me in I
really you know it's all about you guys
that's why I'm here
is for you guys and so my job is to rate
you guys on the level that you guys want
to be reached on and I want to make as
many people happy as I can because
that's why I do this and so anywho I
think that's it for today I didn't have
a whole whole whole lot going on but I
did have a lot to talk about
but tomorrow again like I said is I eat
it so I probably will do a little bit
more check-in videos with you guys
throughout the day because we're gonna
be doing stuff with the kids I am
looking I looked on Amazon but I am
looking for so if anybody has any ideas
could you pass it down to me I am
looking for a phone holder for the cars
so when I'm driving and I want to check
in with you guys I could hook it up
somewhere and make it easy I have one
but it's I feel like my phone's gonna
flip off of it and the problem is is
that it's up kind of by windshield and
I'm afraid if I have the window open my
phone's just gonna go right out the
window and there you go so I'm just kind
of trying to find something that's a
little more secure I found a few on
Amazon but I don't know what ones would
be better so if any of you guys have
phone holders in your car that you use
that I would be able to do vlogging on
with I would greatly
if you guys can tell me at all like
bow-wow because I'm kind of lost at
where I'm supposed to turn for that now
you don't want to go to like well I I
did see one at Walmart but it was at the
checkout layout stand land and it just
kind of looked a little bit GP for what
I'm looking for my phones and eight plus
iPhone so it's a little bit heavier so
it's not a very light phone and it is a
little bit bigger so anyways if you guys
have any ideas if you could pass those
along I would greatly appreciate it but
other than that you guys have an amazing
rest of your day and I will check in
with you guys tomorrow
bright and shiny have a good evening
